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24

Jack Bauer: "The only reason that you're conscious right now is because I don't want to carry you."

Bones

Dr. Temperance Brennan: "Don't call me Bones."

Breaking Bad

Jesse: "And why’d you go and tell her I was selling you weed?"
Walt: "Because somehow it seemed preferable to admitting I cook crystal meth and killed a man."

Californication

Hank: "You can't snort a line of coke off a woman’s ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly."

Caprica

Caprica defense minister: "What do you call it?"
Daniel Graystone: "A cybernetic lifeform node. A Cylon, minister."
Caprica defense minister: "Hm. Cylon. Interesting."

Chuck

Sarah: "When the images start, just say what they are."
Chuck: "That's it?"
Casey: "I'm sure you'll find a way to screw it up!"

Desperate Housewives

Julie: "When was the last time you had sex?"
[Susan stops what she is doing]
Julie: "Are you mad that I asked?"
Susan: "No, I'm just trying to remember."

Dexter

Dexter: "No blood... no sticky, hot, messy, awful blood, no blood at all! Why hadn't I thought of that? No blood, what a beautiful idea."

Doctor Who (2005)

The Doctor: "Do you wanna come with me? 'Cause if you do then I should warn you, you're gonna see all sorts of things. Ghosts from the past; Aliens from the future; the day the Earth died in a ball of flame; It won't be quiet, it won't be safe, and it won't be calm. But I'll tell you what it will be: the trip of a lifetime."

Eureka

Henry Deacon: [to arguing Carter and Col. Briggs] "I hate to interrupt, but we have bigger issues at hand. Time is unraveling. The laws of physics are breaking down. Correct me if I'm wrong but that's the kind of thing that's not gonna stop at the city limits, is it?"

Family Guy

Stewie Griffin: "Damn you, vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb."

FlashForward

Simon: "20 million deaths on our shoulders. If that doesn't qualify us for God-hood, tell me: what does?"

Fringe

Walter: "If it's possible, I would very much like my own clothes back."
Peter: "Let me explain how this works to you, Walter. You can't inject a federal officer with sedatives, steal government property, and then escape from protective custody, and then ask to be not treated like a criminal."

Futurama

Bender: "Behold... the Internet."
Fry: "My God! It's full of ads! "

Grey's Anatomy

Dr. Meredith Grey: "We're adults. When did that happen? And how do we make it stop?"

Heroes

Hiro Nakamura: "Save the cheerleader, save the world."

House

Dr. House: "Nobel invented dynamite. I won't accept his blood money."

How I Met Your Mother

Barney: "It's gonna be LEGEN, wait for it, and I hope you're not lactose intolerant, because the second half of that word is DAIRY! LEGENDARY!"

Lost

Danielle Rousseau: "You've only got three choices: run, hide... or die."

Nip/Tuck

Christian: "Can I buy you a drink?"
Kimberly: "I don't drink."
Christian: "May I buy you an appetizer?"
Kimberly: "I don't eat. I'm a model."

NUMB3RS

Dr. Larry Fleinhardt: "You know that it's considered unsolvable?"
Charlie Eppes: "Well, certainly people who have failed to solve it might think that."

One Tree Hill

Peyton: "I heard you were naked in his car."
Brooke: "No, I was partially naked. At one point I had mittens on cause it was cold."

Scrubs

Dr. Cox: "Who're you?"
Janitor: "Just a man with a saw."

Smallville

Lex Luthor: "How did you manage to break in there without anyone catching you?"
Clark Kent: "Just lucky I guess."
Lex Luthor: "Well you are the luckiest person I know. Let's hope it doesn't run out by tomorrow. "

South Park

Stan: "Oh my god! They killed Kenny."

Stargate Universe

Matthew Scott: "Where the hell are we?"
Dr. Nicholas Rush: "Several billion light years from home."

Supernatural

Dean: "Ya' know she could be faking."
Sam: "Yeah, what do you wanna do, poke her with a stick?"
[Dean nods]
Sam: "Dude, you're not gonna poke her with a stick!"

The Big Bang Theory

Sheldon to Leonard: "I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker."

True Blood

Eric: "Do I have blood in my hair?"

V

Jack: "You're an FBI agent?"
Erica: "You're a friggin'priest?"

Weeds

Andy Botwin: "How can you be so blindly pro-Bush?"
Doug Wilson: "I like his wife Laura... I used to buy weed from her at SMU."

Alias

Marshall: "Syd, this guy buried you alive."
Sydney: "Yeah, but he cheated, he hit me with a car first!"

Arrested Development

Narrator: "Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together."

Battlestar Galactica

Commander Adama: "I gave the order, Son. It was my responsibility."
Captain Adama: "I pulled the trigger. That's mine."

Dollhouse

Echo: "Did I fall asleep?"

Invasion

Underlay to Russell: "You think we're descended from the three guys sitting in the cave sharing their buffalo? We're descended from the fourth guy that says, "hey, why don't I pick up this club and smack these other losers round the head and have the whole buffalo to myself?" That's our ancestor, that's survival. Survival is what it's all about!"

Jericho

Cell Leader: "Take a look around you, gentlemen. (pause) These are the faces of the men that will change the world."

Joey

Joey: "They canceled my show! People thought it was disgusting. Jeez, you defecate on one corpse..."

My Name Is Earl

Joy: "I want half that lotto money, Earl."
Earl: "Yeah? Well, I wanted a legitimate baby and a wife who didn't huff paint on Thanksgiving, but I guess life's full of little disappointments, now ain't it?"

Prison Break

Michael to Lincoln: "I'm not here on vacation, trust me."

Rome

Lucius Vorenus: "Do you think of nothing but women?"
Titus Pullo: "What else is there?"
[he thinks]
Titus Pullo: "Food, I s'pose."

Stargate Atlantis

Dr. Rodney McKay: "I'm sorry. It's just... I react to certain doom in a certain way. It's a bad habit."

Stargate SG-1

Hu'rak: "No matter what you have endured, you've never experienced the likes of what Anubis is capable of."
Jack O'Neill: "You ended that sentence with a preposition, bastard."

Surface

Miles: "There's something in the water."

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Sarah: "Where are we?"
Cameron: "Same where...different when."

The 4400

Shawn Farrell: "Me and 4,399 of my closest friends popped out of a ball of light right about here."

The O.C.

Hailey Nichol to Julie: "You see, Jeffrey here might be a stripper, but honey, you're a whore."

Thief

Andre Braugher: "It may be insubstantial and soon melt away or it may be the beginning of something significant. My hopes are that it's the beginning of something significant."

Veronica Mars

Veronica: "It's all fun and games till one of you gets my foot up your ass."